Dear Woman: How About A Date?

I hate to break it to these guys, but I’ve had a “growing sense of worship” for the “gifts of the feminine” since I read my first Playboy.

And grow it did.

Okay, past that I got nothing. This film is creepy on a number of levels. First, the speakers all sound like the serial killers you see in those scary movies. You know, with that slow, hypnotic lyrical voice that lulls a gal to sleep more slowly than a ruffie but without the morning-after headache.

“Hello, Clarice.”

Secondly, it’s an insult to the 95% of women who love men for what they are, which is men. Manly men. But with a sensitive side. Men who don’t mind washing a dish now and again, always notice when they’ve had their hair done, and never comment on how much their butts have grown over the years. The other five percent? Lesbians and women who love inanimate objects. Not just enjoy now and again like normal women, but actually fall in love.

Third, these guys somehow think I’ve given them permission to apologize for my being a man. I didn’t. I have nothing to apologize for. Okay, okay, maybe I should apologize for trying to feel-up my old girlfriend in high school, but it’s not like she complained and it’s been a long, long time and I’m sure she’s forgotten.

Anyway, I can’t imagine any woman being impressed with what is the obvious pick-up line that is this video. Granted, I’ve been out of the dating scene for 29 some-odd years but I really don’t see, “Hey babe, how would you like to co-create something amazing” as being any more successful than “Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.”

And that “How’s it going, babe” vibe is maybe the most creepy thing about the video. The way it repeatedly slips in sexual innuendo with apologies for war, violence against women, religious persecution, and assaults on the family is so icky I felt like I needed a shower after watching it.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s one jewel out of many spewed forth by the guys in this video.

“I honor your capacity to listen to your body and it’s needs for food, rest and playtime.”

Get that? Playtime, baby. It’s on the way. Inserted deliciously between apologies for misogyny, pornography, and commercialization of beauty.

Foreplay with a purpose.

And how nice of them to help take their minds off of all the “man-caused” evil in the world by allowing them to focus on what’s needed –  a nice slice of double-fudge chocolate cake, a nap, and a slap and tickle afterward.

Not exactly subtle. Nor original. Men have been using important issues like world hunger, war, global warming, and women’s rights to get laid since the 1960s.  Before that it was “I’m being shipped-out to tomorrow and I might not make it back” which was used to great success by millions of men in WWII I’m told.

Most women knew it was a line. And still do. Which is one reason I don’t believe they need apologizing to. Women are smart. Tough. They can take care of themselves. Apologizing to them in this way – for these things –  plays them off as weak fools who simply cannot handle the world around them. Including the men around them.

And they can.

It’s one of their “gifts of the feminine.”

What’s not to worship?

A Threesome With You And My Sister? Why Not?

The perfect woman.

Is just a click away. Enjoy great lines like, “Oh honey, you’re always right.”  Or try “I know it’s our anniversary, but instead of going out to dinner tonight, why don’t you watch the ball game while I mow the lawn.”  Then there’s always, “Of course I’ll get you a beer and a freshly-made sandwich, I live to make you happy.”

Still, my favorite line is the title of this post. I can listen to it over and over and over again.

Oh, and there’s a male version for you ladies if you must.

Hat-tip to Theo.

Golden Globes

I know I haven’t been around much – had lots to do – but I’m still here so don’t get all cocky and think you ran me off with your lack of attention. I’m tougher than that. After all, my wife has been ignoring me for 27 years and I’m still sleeping in the house. Maybe on the couch, but still.

Anyway, speaking of wives, and with them love, here’s a kind of interesting site I found called The Man’s Guide to Love.

Hat-tip to Theo for a photo that has nothing to do with the post.

Say No To The Dress

Is the wedding industry one big racket?

Does the entire wedding industry these days seem like one big racket to you? In your lifetime, how many thousands of dollars have you spent flying all over the country (or out of it) to watch people say “I do,” buying place settings and champagne flutes from couples’ Williams-Sonoma registries, and oohing and ahhing over boulder-size diamonds on your girlfriends’ ring fingers? Adding up the numbers can be a dizzying experience, but what’s truly disarming is the fact that your total payout most likely pales in comparison with the price tag for just one of these celebrations. In 2009, industry-trend resource TheWeddingReport.com reported that the average cost of a wedding in the United States was $19,580—that’s more than $12,500 greater than the median annual tuition at a four-year public college.

The answer is yes, of course, but along with Valentine’s Day, as long as women want it and men are wimps – both Dad and/or fiancé – nothing is going to change.*

Loving wife and I sort of semi-eloped, having just a couple of friends and my brother over for a small wedding which was followed by short long-weekend honeymoon. It was a decision made not because of money, but because of our own personal situation, and we decided to buy a new car – which we sorely needed – instead of spending it on $10,000 dresses, $2000 cakes, and the rest. And since we are on our 26th year of marriage obviously the austerity of our wedding didn’t do us any harm.

I do wonder if all the energy and money put into big weddings might not be better spent in other ways, especially in these uncertain financial times. Then again if women stop buying all this totally unnecessary fluff a whole ‘nother industry would be on the skids.

Plus, without spending money on weddings we would miss out on such delights like bizarre wedding dresses, big redneck weddings, and bridezillas. (Rednecks let us know that it’s possible to do an interesting, if not classy, wedding on a budget, while bridezillas show just how far men have been beaten down into quivering jello-like wimps since the 60s.)

Doesn’t matter if it is a racket or not really. I’m pretty sure the industry is safe.  Women are women and men are men, and men end-up wanting what their women want, or if not they are smart enough to pretend they do.  So the tradition will continue, with tens of thousands spent on every daddy’s little girl, while the groom’s dad gets away with a rehearsal dinner at Ponderosa and a keg of beer in the back yard afterward.  Something I am looking forward to since I have three sons.

And just think, if gay marriage becomes the rule that will open up a whole new market where spending on wedding-fashion bling will reach heights heretofore unseen.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

*Added:

Yes, I know nowadays women often pay for their own weddings, but that doesn’t change anything except that the potential groom is obviously a fricken genius.

Old Stuff I Meant To Post But Forgot (Plus Balloons, Cause Everybody Like Balloons)

1. John Murtha is dead. Good. I thank him for his service as a Marine during the first half of his life but I curse him for his corruption in Congress and his despicable attacks on his fellow-Marines these past few years. Let’s hope his seat goes to a better person, which really shouldn’t be that hard.

2. Five Superbowl commercials that emasculate men. Eh, what else is new. TV shows and commercials have been doing this for years. I’m not sure who they are selling these products to. I don’t think it is men. When I saw them I kind of zoned-out a bit so they didn’t sell anything to me. Maybe the women like them, although loving wife was kind of annoyed that Dove was selling stuff for men. She considered that a sacred woman’s brand.

3. Would any woman alive actually want one of these Vermont Teddy Bears for Valentine’s Day? I think not. Oh I’m sure they sell more than a few to gullible guys who find their strip-music commercials provocative instead of annoying like I do, but I doubt any woman really thinks, “Hey, that’s what I want, a Vermont Teddy Bear.”

4. Miss me yet? More than you know, Mr. President, more than you know.

5. What about that Superbowl? Congrats to the Saints, but I lost a bet backing Manning.

6. Speaking of the Superbowl and Superbowl commercials. Is it just me or do you think Tim Tebow’s mother is kind of a babe?

7. Personal observation: If I were single and about to propose to my girlfriend I would NEVER GO TO JARED.

8. Barack Obama channels Spinal Tap. The guy is an egotistical idiot.

H/T to Theo for the balloons.

All Hail

The Bacon Store. Where the well-dressed man shops.

Who Likes Short Shorts? I Like Short Shorts

1. As I have said repeatedly, man made global warming does not exist (at least compared to the normal warming process of the Earth due to sunspot activity among other things). Well, it seems Global WarmingGate proves this. Or at least proves that the some of the most important scientists pushing it were lying about it. Fortunately we found out in time to stop Cap and Trade, but not in time to stop Al Gore from making millions off of it.

2. “Nobody smart in American politics messes with the Scouts. Boy or Girl Scouts.” So very true.

2. Double your pleasure, double your Sarah Palin fun. Ill take one, or two, please.

4. No more breast exams for Mama. A song by Jim Treacher.

5. Eighty-one percent think their personal health care is good or excellent. And yet the Dems will not stop trying to ruin it. WTF Jimmy?!

6. She may be easy, but she ain’t cheap. Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu is bought-off with $300 million to vote for the Dems health care debacle. Eh, well, she IS from Louisiana so why be surprised.

7. Found a new blog. I like it.

8. A little late but here’s another reason to like Fridays.

9. White people continue the long-standing tradition of ignoring the wishes of American Indians. In this case it is leftist politically correct elitists, but the arrogance is the same.

10. Men treat their friends better than women do. I’ve seen this again and again over the years. Women are very unfriendly friends to each other.

11. Ali Barbie. Why not just put one of your old Barbies in one of them zip-up beer holders?

12. These look like they could be painful if you aren’t careful. Via Mostly Safe for Work.

Photo via Theo.


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