Dear Woman: How About A Date?

I hate to break it to these guys, but I’ve had a “growing sense of worship” for the “gifts of the feminine” since I read my first Playboy.

And grow it did.

Okay, past that I got nothing. This film is creepy on a number of levels. First, the speakers all sound like the serial killers you see in those scary movies. You know, with that slow, hypnotic lyrical voice that lulls a gal to sleep more slowly than a ruffie but without the morning-after headache.

“Hello, Clarice.”

Secondly, it’s an insult to the 95% of women who love men for what they are, which is men. Manly men. But with a sensitive side. Men who don’t mind washing a dish now and again, always notice when they’ve had their hair done, and never comment on how much their butts have grown over the years. The other five percent? Lesbians and women who love inanimate objects. Not just enjoy now and again like normal women, but actually fall in love.

Third, these guys somehow think I’ve given them permission to apologize for my being a man. I didn’t. I have nothing to apologize for. Okay, okay, maybe I should apologize for trying to feel-up my old girlfriend in high school, but it’s not like she complained and it’s been a long, long time and I’m sure she’s forgotten.

Anyway, I can’t imagine any woman being impressed with what is the obvious pick-up line that is this video. Granted, I’ve been out of the dating scene for 29 some-odd years but I really don’t see, “Hey babe, how would you like to co-create something amazing” as being any more successful than “Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.”

And that “How’s it going, babe” vibe is maybe the most creepy thing about the video. The way it repeatedly slips in sexual innuendo with apologies for war, violence against women, religious persecution, and assaults on the family is so icky I felt like I needed a shower after watching it.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s one jewel out of many spewed forth by the guys in this video.

“I honor your capacity to listen to your body and it’s needs for food, rest and playtime.”

Get that? Playtime, baby. It’s on the way. Inserted deliciously between apologies for misogyny, pornography, and commercialization of beauty.

Foreplay with a purpose.

And how nice of them to help take their minds off of all the “man-caused” evil in the world by allowing them to focus on what’s needed –  a nice slice of double-fudge chocolate cake, a nap, and a slap and tickle afterward.

Not exactly subtle. Nor original. Men have been using important issues like world hunger, war, global warming, and women’s rights to get laid since the 1960s.  Before that it was “I’m being shipped-out to tomorrow and I might not make it back” which was used to great success by millions of men in WWII I’m told.

Most women knew it was a line. And still do. Which is one reason I don’t believe they need apologizing to. Women are smart. Tough. They can take care of themselves. Apologizing to them in this way – for these things –  plays them off as weak fools who simply cannot handle the world around them. Including the men around them.

And they can.

It’s one of their “gifts of the feminine.”

What’s not to worship?

A Threesome With You And My Sister? Why Not?

The perfect woman.

Is just a click away. Enjoy great lines like, “Oh honey, you’re always right.”  Or try “I know it’s our anniversary, but instead of going out to dinner tonight, why don’t you watch the ball game while I mow the lawn.”  Then there’s always, “Of course I’ll get you a beer and a freshly-made sandwich, I live to make you happy.”

Still, my favorite line is the title of this post. I can listen to it over and over and over again.

Oh, and there’s a male version for you ladies if you must.

Hat-tip to Theo.

Golden Globes

I know I haven’t been around much – had lots to do – but I’m still here so don’t get all cocky and think you ran me off with your lack of attention. I’m tougher than that. After all, my wife has been ignoring me for 27 years and I’m still sleeping in the house. Maybe on the couch, but still.

Anyway, speaking of wives, and with them love, here’s a kind of interesting site I found called The Man’s Guide to Love.

Hat-tip to Theo for a photo that has nothing to do with the post.

Say No To The Dress

Is the wedding industry one big racket?

Does the entire wedding industry these days seem like one big racket to you? In your lifetime, how many thousands of dollars have you spent flying all over the country (or out of it) to watch people say “I do,” buying place settings and champagne flutes from couples’ Williams-Sonoma registries, and oohing and ahhing over boulder-size diamonds on your girlfriends’ ring fingers? Adding up the numbers can be a dizzying experience, but what’s truly disarming is the fact that your total payout most likely pales in comparison with the price tag for just one of these celebrations. In 2009, industry-trend resource TheWeddingReport.com reported that the average cost of a wedding in the United States was $19,580—that’s more than $12,500 greater than the median annual tuition at a four-year public college.

The answer is yes, of course, but along with Valentine’s Day, as long as women want it and men are wimps – both Dad and/or fiancé – nothing is going to change.*

Loving wife and I sort of semi-eloped, having just a couple of friends and my brother over for a small wedding which was followed by short long-weekend honeymoon. It was a decision made not because of money, but because of our own personal situation, and we decided to buy a new car – which we sorely needed – instead of spending it on $10,000 dresses, $2000 cakes, and the rest. And since we are on our 26th year of marriage obviously the austerity of our wedding didn’t do us any harm.

I do wonder if all the energy and money put into big weddings might not be better spent in other ways, especially in these uncertain financial times. Then again if women stop buying all this totally unnecessary fluff a whole ‘nother industry would be on the skids.

Plus, without spending money on weddings we would miss out on such delights like bizarre wedding dresses, big redneck weddings, and bridezillas. (Rednecks let us know that it’s possible to do an interesting, if not classy, wedding on a budget, while bridezillas show just how far men have been beaten down into quivering jello-like wimps since the 60s.)

Doesn’t matter if it is a racket or not really. I’m pretty sure the industry is safe.  Women are women and men are men, and men end-up wanting what their women want, or if not they are smart enough to pretend they do.  So the tradition will continue, with tens of thousands spent on every daddy’s little girl, while the groom’s dad gets away with a rehearsal dinner at Ponderosa and a keg of beer in the back yard afterward.  Something I am looking forward to since I have three sons.

And just think, if gay marriage becomes the rule that will open up a whole new market where spending on wedding-fashion bling will reach heights heretofore unseen.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

*Added:

Yes, I know nowadays women often pay for their own weddings, but that doesn’t change anything except that the potential groom is obviously a fricken genius.

Old Stuff I Meant To Post But Forgot (Plus Balloons, Cause Everybody Like Balloons)

1. John Murtha is dead. Good. I thank him for his service as a Marine during the first half of his life but I curse him for his corruption in Congress and his despicable attacks on his fellow-Marines these past few years. Let’s hope his seat goes to a better person, which really shouldn’t be that hard.

2. Five Superbowl commercials that emasculate men. Eh, what else is new. TV shows and commercials have been doing this for years. I’m not sure who they are selling these products to. I don’t think it is men. When I saw them I kind of zoned-out a bit so they didn’t sell anything to me. Maybe the women like them, although loving wife was kind of annoyed that Dove was selling stuff for men. She considered that a sacred woman’s brand.

3. Would any woman alive actually want one of these Vermont Teddy Bears for Valentine’s Day? I think not. Oh I’m sure they sell more than a few to gullible guys who find their strip-music commercials provocative instead of annoying like I do, but I doubt any woman really thinks, “Hey, that’s what I want, a Vermont Teddy Bear.”

4. Miss me yet? More than you know, Mr. President, more than you know.

5. What about that Superbowl? Congrats to the Saints, but I lost a bet backing Manning.

6. Speaking of the Superbowl and Superbowl commercials. Is it just me or do you think Tim Tebow’s mother is kind of a babe?

7. Personal observation: If I were single and about to propose to my girlfriend I would NEVER GO TO JARED.

8. Barack Obama channels Spinal Tap. The guy is an egotistical idiot.

H/T to Theo for the balloons.

All Hail

The Bacon Store. Where the well-dressed man shops.

Who Likes Short Shorts? I Like Short Shorts

1. As I have said repeatedly, man made global warming does not exist (at least compared to the normal warming process of the Earth due to sunspot activity among other things). Well, it seems Global WarmingGate proves this. Or at least proves that the some of the most important scientists pushing it were lying about it. Fortunately we found out in time to stop Cap and Trade, but not in time to stop Al Gore from making millions off of it.

2. “Nobody smart in American politics messes with the Scouts. Boy or Girl Scouts.” So very true.

2. Double your pleasure, double your Sarah Palin fun. Ill take one, or two, please.

4. No more breast exams for Mama. A song by Jim Treacher.

5. Eighty-one percent think their personal health care is good or excellent. And yet the Dems will not stop trying to ruin it. WTF Jimmy?!

6. She may be easy, but she ain’t cheap. Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu is bought-off with $300 million to vote for the Dems health care debacle. Eh, well, she IS from Louisiana so why be surprised.

7. Found a new blog. I like it.

8. A little late but here’s another reason to like Fridays.

9. White people continue the long-standing tradition of ignoring the wishes of American Indians. In this case it is leftist politically correct elitists, but the arrogance is the same.

10. Men treat their friends better than women do. I’ve seen this again and again over the years. Women are very unfriendly friends to each other.

11. Ali Barbie. Why not just put one of your old Barbies in one of them zip-up beer holders?

12. These look like they could be painful if you aren’t careful. Via Mostly Safe for Work.

Photo via Theo.

5 Fitness Benchmarks Every Man Must Master

savelife2

And, no, they don’t include power-drinking.

“Every man should be able to save his own life. He should be able to swim far enough, run fast and long enough to save his life in case of emergency and necessity. He also should be able to chin himself a reasonable number of times, as well as to dip a number of times, and he should be able to jump a reasonable height and distance.”

Swimming, running, jumping, and upper-body strength are the keys here. There was a time . . . a short time . . . that I was the master of my domain in these things. A time that, naturally enough, corresponded to my time in the military. Since then I have pretty much gone to hell.

It sucks getting old.

If P#*sy Grew On Trees, All Men Would Be Forest Rangers

“Research has shown most men find most women at least somewhat sexually attractive, whereas most women do not find most men sexually attractive at all.”

Having apparently discounted physical attraction, the 1000 women interviewed by the Texas University professors gave a huge range of reasons for sleeping with a man.

One said she did it for a spiritual experience, proclaiming: “It’s the closest thing to God.”

But mostly the explanations were far more mundane, with 84 per cent admitting to having sex just to ensure a quiet life or to bargain for household chores. One woman said: “I have sex to relieve the boredom because it’s easier than fighting. Plus it gives me something to do.”

While it may not come as welcome news, some women have sex out of sympathy, with one admitting: “I slept with a couple of guys because I felt sorry for them.”

But many have more selfish motives, with financial or material rewards a major factor.

In one survey of students, nearly one in 10 women admitted to “having sex for presents”. Others said: “He bought me a nice dinner”, “he spent a lot of money on me early on”, “he showed me he had an extravagant lifestyle”.

So, according to the study, women only have sex out of boredom or to bargain for work around the house. Or because they feel sorry for the guy. Or to get presents.

I’ll forgo the “We’ve already established what you are, now we’re just negotiating price” joke, and just say that I’m very cool with the results of this study.  And the results shouldn’t be a surprise to any man over the age of 30 and certainly not to any married man. That said, and because I am feeling blunt this morning I should let you gals in on a secret.

Men don’t care.

That’s right, we don’t care why you have sex with us. We only care that you do.

There, I’ve said it.  It’s out there for all to see and without wasting millions of dollars on some moronic study.

We’re men. Simple creatures. With simple needs for the most part. And the “whys” and “what fors” and deeper meanings of sex don’t really matter to us.

One doesn’t obsess over or try to understand the deeper meaning of the thrill of riding the world’s scariest roller-coaster ride. That’s wasted time. One just rides the damn thing as often as possible.

Same with sex.

Oh yes, there will be some men who will disagree. At least in front of their wives or girlfriends. They all want sex later-on after all. But deep down they know this to be true.

And yes, we do love you. For a million reasons. But sex may, or may not be, one of those reasons.

But even if it is or not, I really don’t think women should get all egotistical about men being sexually attractive to them. At least not as a whole.

Fact is we are sexually attracted to most women. It’s in our nature. Biology. It’s science.

Harry said it best.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.

Anyway, I guess I’ve had my say about this except that I should now explain the title up above. It’s an old saying, and one for some reason that I like, vulgar though it is (and I apologize for that).

But it makes a point.

You gals may be having sex with us, not because you find us attractive sexually, but because you want us to take out the garbage or because Designing Women is in re-runs, but it works both ways.

One pipe-cleaner works just as good as another if you get my drift.

Addendum:

I love my wife. She’s da bomb. And I try to take the garbage out often as possible, not because I want to have sex with her but because we are spiritual soul-mates and I deeply desire the intimacy that we share during love-making and I want to give my best to our mutually-satisfying marriage.

(I mean I do want to have sex later-on. Duhh.)

This Post Approved By Badass Baby

badass-baby1

1. Break out the frying pan, today is International Bacon Day.

2. Men lose their minds when talking to pretty women. Followed at some point by their manhood, wallets, houses, cars, and other real property.

3. Sci-Fi’s Most Beautiful Stars:1933 – 2008. Being a big fan of Sci Fi and a big fan of women obviously I had to post this. Favorites are Caroline-Munro, Jenny Agutter, Carrie Fisher in her slave-girl costume (yum), and Monica Belluci (double yum). Some of these aren’t really Sci Fi films though. Ghost? The Princess Bride? And where the frack is Sigourney Weaver?

4. People of Wal-Mart. My Wal-Marts are never as interesting as these seem to be, or maybe I just haven’t noticed because I’m one of these people of Wal-Mart.

5. Deep-fried butter. So good it tastes like buttaaaa. Deep-fried buttaaa.

6. Speaking of food, how about some Hawaiian Shaved Ice. The one with the beans and condensed milk is intriguing although if you’re lactose intolerant the legume/milk combo might be deadly to you and anyone else within a three mile radius.

7. How to apologize like a man. And when not to which is just as important I think. Groveling is usually appropriate if it involves the wife.

** Thanks to Ace for the, what the hell does one call it, “Acealanch?”  I wish it were for something profound or funny or just for something I had written at all, but instead all I got was a video I stole from someone else.  But what the hell, I’ll take what I can get

The Things You Don’t Say To Your Wife

A song.

Added bonus.

The government can.

The Secret To A Good Marriage

Via Bits & Pieces.

The Real Reasons Men Break Up With Women

11314118.thb

Are listed here.

1. Women don’t listen. When a man says something, give him a chance to speak. Listen to what he says. The problem is that sometimes, guys will end up with someone who makes him feel as though he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We’re not always right, but we do have opinions, and it gets under our skin when we’re made to feel like our opinion doesn’t matter. Who wants to stay with someone like that? How to Keep Your Man: Communication

2. Women listen to their friends too much. We understand the need for female friendship. We can go with the girls’ night out deal. But when you start letting your single girlfriends (who constantly run guys off, or haven’t dated since antenna TV) get into the business of your relationship, that’s asking for trouble. You want to think that your man has a mind of his own when he’s out with the guys, right? We’re no different. We expect you to talk to your girlfriends, even if it’s about us. Just be careful what you decide to bring back from those conversations.

3. The relationship is NOT a family affair. We’re not trying to take you away from your family. This is a relationship, not a kidnapping. However, if we’re mature enough to leave home and keep what goes on between us just between us, then is it too much to ask of you to do the same? If you tell your mom and your sisters about every single argument and disagreement that we have, then don’t you think that they’re not going to like us very much? Then you’ll wonder why we don’t like going around them, right?

There are seven more if you’re interested and I have to say they are pretty much on the mark, especially good ole Number 8, “Don’t you ever have anything nice to say?” Women constantly complain that men never do anything to help around the house, but also constantly complain that those same men never do anything correct, (i.e the way they do it).  Then they sit back and complain some more when their man stops doing it altogether never realizing, or worse refusing to accept, that they are the cause – or at least a major part of it.

It’s like that show Real Estate Intervention where homeowners refuse to drop their asking price of $500,00 even when better houses are barely selling for $300,000.   No matter how many times it’s pointed out to you gals you just don’t get it.  Well, many of you don’t.

Frankly I think 99% of problems that women have with men could be solved with regular positive reinforcement and a weekly surprise blow job (pretty much the same thing really).

But hey, what do I know, I’m just a man and know what I like.

Bonus:

How men’s and women’s brains work during an argument. Check it out.

Two To One

boy

In the amount of time men admire women over women admiring men.

The average man will spend almost 43 minutes a day staring at 10 different women. That adds up to 259 hours – almost 11 days – each year, making a total 11 months and 11 days between the ages of 18 and 50. But researchers found that the males of the species are not the only ones admiring the opposite sex as women sneak a peek at six men for just over 20 minutes a day, on average. That adds up to almost six months spent admiring men from afar between the ages of 18 and 50.

Seems about right, although as one commenter says over there, he was checking out women at about seven. And if you add in Internet surfing of certain sites then my guess is you would add a few years onto the men’s tally. I personally recall looking up my kindergarten teacher’s dress and I couldn’t have been more than 10 even with my slow development.

Not The Railroad Men Of Old

Vodpod videos no longer available.

As Genghis says, this is our white flag of surrender in the gender wars.

Then again maybe there’s some gorilla warfare we can still wage.

image.axd

Hat-tip to Mostly Safe for Work for the photo.

Never give up the fight.


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