If P#*sy Grew On Trees, All Men Would Be Forest Rangers

“Research has shown most men find most women at least somewhat sexually attractive, whereas most women do not find most men sexually attractive at all.”

Having apparently discounted physical attraction, the 1000 women interviewed by the Texas University professors gave a huge range of reasons for sleeping with a man.

One said she did it for a spiritual experience, proclaiming: “It’s the closest thing to God.”

But mostly the explanations were far more mundane, with 84 per cent admitting to having sex just to ensure a quiet life or to bargain for household chores. One woman said: “I have sex to relieve the boredom because it’s easier than fighting. Plus it gives me something to do.”

While it may not come as welcome news, some women have sex out of sympathy, with one admitting: “I slept with a couple of guys because I felt sorry for them.”

But many have more selfish motives, with financial or material rewards a major factor.

In one survey of students, nearly one in 10 women admitted to “having sex for presents”. Others said: “He bought me a nice dinner”, “he spent a lot of money on me early on”, “he showed me he had an extravagant lifestyle”.

So, according to the study, women only have sex out of boredom or to bargain for work around the house. Or because they feel sorry for the guy. Or to get presents.

I’ll forgo the “We’ve already established what you are, now we’re just negotiating price” joke, and just say that I’m very cool with the results of this study.  And the results shouldn’t be a surprise to any man over the age of 30 and certainly not to any married man. That said, and because I am feeling blunt this morning I should let you gals in on a secret.

Men don’t care.

That’s right, we don’t care why you have sex with us. We only care that you do.

There, I’ve said it.  It’s out there for all to see and without wasting millions of dollars on some moronic study.

We’re men. Simple creatures. With simple needs for the most part. And the “whys” and “what fors” and deeper meanings of sex don’t really matter to us.

One doesn’t obsess over or try to understand the deeper meaning of the thrill of riding the world’s scariest roller-coaster ride. That’s wasted time. One just rides the damn thing as often as possible.

Same with sex.

Oh yes, there will be some men who will disagree. At least in front of their wives or girlfriends. They all want sex later-on after all. But deep down they know this to be true.

And yes, we do love you. For a million reasons. But sex may, or may not be, one of those reasons.

But even if it is or not, I really don’t think women should get all egotistical about men being sexually attractive to them. At least not as a whole.

Fact is we are sexually attracted to most women. It’s in our nature. Biology. It’s science.

Harry said it best.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.

Anyway, I guess I’ve had my say about this except that I should now explain the title up above. It’s an old saying, and one for some reason that I like, vulgar though it is (and I apologize for that).

But it makes a point.

You gals may be having sex with us, not because you find us attractive sexually, but because you want us to take out the garbage or because Designing Women is in re-runs, but it works both ways.

One pipe-cleaner works just as good as another if you get my drift.

Addendum:

I love my wife. She’s da bomb. And I try to take the garbage out often as possible, not because I want to have sex with her but because we are spiritual soul-mates and I deeply desire the intimacy that we share during love-making and I want to give my best to our mutually-satisfying marriage.

(I mean I do want to have sex later-on. Duhh.)

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1 Comment

  1. It’s the closest thing to God? Okay that’s just weird!

    But I do love your disclaimer at the end. I have a secret for YOU – I’m betting your wife knows you just want to have sex because it’s sex and it’s biology and you’re a guy. So your disclaimer looks good but probably garners a “uh huh.”


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