Obama To Close “Secret” Prisons And Limit Interrogation Methods


In anticipation of the new world peace his mere presence will usher in and because, you know, that shit obviously wasn’t working what with America not being attacked since 9-11 and all.

President Barack Obama is expected to sign “several” executive orders on Thursday directing the Central Intelligence Agency to close its network of “black sites,” or secret foreign prisons, and order the closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp within a year.

The executive orders, aimed at rolling back much of former President Bush’s architecture for the war on terror, involve “altering CIA detention and interrogation rules, limiting interrogation standards in all U.S. facilities worldwide to those outlined in the Army Field Manual, and prohibiting the agency from secretly holding terrorist detainees in third-country prisons,” the Washington Post said citing sources familiar with the briefings.

The New York Times said the “orders would bring to an end a Central Intelligence Agency program that kept terrorism suspects in secret custody for months or years,” and “also prohibit the CIA from using coercive interrogation methods.”

A revised version of the Army Field Manual was released in 2006, explicitly banning enhanced interrogation techniques such as beating, using dogs to intimidate, electric shocks and waterboarding, which critics say is tantamount to torture.

In related news, an Al Qaeda spokesman responded, “Kewl, it’ll give us more time to work on that whole black death thing we’ve got planned for you.” He then headed back into his cave with his girlfriend goat and laughed, “You guys are so screwed now.”


1 Comment

  1. I do not want my country to be attacked again. But if it happens – it will be directly related to the changes Obama is making to the safeguards GW put in place. We are dealing with people who HATE us and will gleefully behead our citizens on video – and now we are vowing to freaking be nice. UGH.

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