Twilight High: The Musical

twilight-4

Or: How To Make A Teen Movie That Makes A 100 Million Dollars.

Step 1: Put an effeminate looking attractive teen guy in it.

You don’t want Vin Deisel here, you want the guy to look like a total pussy. Before you select your leading man, look at his picture and ask yourself, “could I see this guy crying about some really dumb shit in a montage set to the pussiest of Snow Patrol songs? Does his likeness alone make me want to kick the ever loving shit out of him even though to this point in my life, I’m not, and have never been, prone to physical violence?” The answer to all three of those questions should be yes.

Step 2. Endow the effeminate looking hot dude with magical powers and/or the ability to sing.

If you choose to give him a magical power, make sure that even though his magical power is pretty much universally awesome, it somehow makes him an outcast and causes people to tell his love interest to “stay away from that freak.” Also be sure to make his magical power something that allows him to fight bullies as well as create a romantic scenario. For instance, if he’s invisible he can make bullies look foolish as well as stroke the face of his love interest when she’s in emotional pain, without her ever knowing he’s there, as he’s an “invisible freak” and can’t show his face. If you give him singing abilities, make sure he can also dance. Don’t worry about him coming off as a homosexual, there’s no such thing as homosexuals in these movies, so feel free to gay away.

3. Set The Location In A High School

High School sucks, especially for the kids who pay to see movies like these. Unfortunately, when someone steals their lunch and calls them a “smelly douche,” there’s not much they can do about it. But your character has magical powers and or the ability to sing, meaning when he encounters the person who calls him a smelly douche, he can fight them using his magical powers, or make them look ridiculous by singing an incredibly poignant song that causes students around him to suddenly perform choreographed dances.

4. Make sure NO ONE in the movie understands the love between the magical effeminate lead guy, and the girl he’s in love with.

This is the most important one. If the love they share is celebrated and understood, then that means they’re just the same as the really popular kids in real life that make fun of the kids who are going to see your movie. And nothing kills box office numbers like reminding someone they’re a nerd. Therefore, just take every character in the movie that isn’t the magical femme dude or the girl who loves him, and have them openly try to stop those characters from being together. Also, it’s important to add that when other characters try and stop their love, that they rejoice together in their attempts by laughing and pointing and giving each other hi fives. These are common things that take no dialogue but are effective in furthering the angsty feelings the characters share with the viewer.

Now that you’ve completed these steps, just go to your local movie studios and plop the script on their door step. You’ve got yourself a hit!

Coming soon to a theater near you.

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